‘I still want to keep you as a friend on Facebook’!!
Man, it’s been an age since I wrote on here! I’ve had a few extra distractions recently; with the two most significant being:
1. I’ve started up two businesses (not as impressive as it sounds – I’ll explain at a later date).
2. For a while, I got a bit caught up in the thrill of house hunting – I discovered that someone out there is prepared to give me a mortgage, which actually wouldn’t be much more than my current rent (but alas, I had to give up on that dream when I realised how quickly I change my mind; how little there is to hold me to this particular place; and how many reasons I might have in the future to leave it)!
In the last week I’ve also had a bit of added excitement to my life – went to see Michael McIntyre with an old friend, and then out into Nottingham after.
AND I MET SOMEONE!!!
Possibly THE most exciting thing in my life, ever! Haven’t been remotely attracted to anyone since Cyber Boyfriend (August last year!), so the mere fact that I didn’t turn him down straightaway was a real novelty for me. He was such a lovely guy – physically not ‘my type’, but really quick-witted and generally seeming like someone I could spend a lot of time with. And best of all he didn’t do a runner when I told him about Sam! I think we chatted til 7:30 in the morning. This week we’ve been texting (he uses correct grammar; even in texts – yaaaaaay!), and I’ve been careful to sound as cool as someone so fundamentally not-cool can be. He came round last night as soon as Sam was in bed, and left for his hour’s drive home at about 2am.
So far so good! Foolishly I felt that, of the two of us, he was the most keen. How very arrogant I am! And – as it turns out – completely wrong. With me, probably most of the excitement was fuelled by the fact that I’d finally found somebody whom I didn’t immediately put in the ‘no’ pile – he was a very nice Somebody though, and totally deserved his place away from the pile! I don’t expect he was excited by me, but it did feel good that he was interested in lil’ ol’ me, when presumably he has ample opportunity to meet girls – girls who don’t have a very cute, but very life-controlling, little kidda.
Moronically (as I now realise it was) I made the calculated decision to tell my parents about him; with the sneaky idea of sowing the seed in preparation for any upcoming babysitter requests. Bless my dad – he almost cried with relief! I didn’t have any idea how sad they are for me about my current situation. Thinking about it now is making me well up a bit actually! Don’t worry Dad, I promise I will make an effort to get horrendously drunk as often as I can from now on, in the hope of duplicating that weekend!
Anyway, unfortunately, earlier this evening I received a rejection email. Bubble burst. Wasn’t expecting it after how he’s been with me, but it shouldn’t really have come as a surprise. It basically said that, although he’s cool with me having Sam, having thought it through he doesn’t see us fitting into his lifestyle. Fair enough. I’m so glad he’s said it early on; especially as the reason was something I can’t change. Was really gutted though – I still do believe that he was attracted to me…and we definitely seemed to click personality-wise…so it’s served as yet one more wake-up call of how impossible it is to find a man who is willing to hang around: not only does he have to be able to stomach the sight of me every day, but he also has to deal with the fact I have a son!
His email was long and written in a way that demanded a reply…but instead of replying quickly and wishing him well, I turned it into a bit of a personal therapy session. I wrote it knowing the whole thing was purely for my benefit, but then when I reached the end, I decided to send it anyway – not particularly sure why, as he hadn’t left it open-ended. Though actually, if I did still have a chance, there’s no way I would’ve sent it…as you will now see…
>>>>Right, I’m gonna reply (and, knowing me, it’s going to be a long one)…but I will say straight off that it’s not to try to persuade you to change your mind. I am gutted you’re not prepared to give it a shot – I already told you how I emotional I can get! – but I think if you’ve come to this decision so early on, there’s no point in trying to get you to see the other side. Even if we see each other a few more times, ultimately you will come to the same conclusion and it’ll be harder for me to hear the same things further down the line. However unnecessary it is, I just can’t help myself commenting on what you’ve said, so here goes…
You know what? Before I met you, what I was looking for was simply ‘Man’. I wanted Man in my life! It’s not the kind of thing you admit to, but I’m fed up of being single, so I’ve been ‘on the prowl’ for the last three and a half years. Awful, ey? Truth is though, I just haven’t found myself attracted to anyone, and; ridiculously; it’s not without trying. How bad is that – I’ve been trying to force myself into fancying people! But I just don’t find myself liking anyone – the New Zealand guy being the only exception; but getting involved with him was so utterly unrealistic that it doesn’t really count. I have my stupid childish list of the ultimate guy; broad-shouldered and all the rest; but none of that counts unless you meet someone you click with…and I do actually think that I found that with you. I think probably if you found the right person for you, their proximity and prospects as a travelling buddy would matter very little too.
My views on travelling will not warm you to me at all, but I may as well voice them. I think maybe it’s because I didn’t do a gap year so didn’t get ‘the travelling bug’, but I don’t get how it’s seen as the be-all and end-all. So many people seem to think that the only way to broaden your mind is to ‘experience different cultures’, but in my opinion, unless you were to hand over all your money and go and actually live in one of the African slums for five years; you can’t say you have experienced their culture – for most people, their ‘experiencing different cultures’ is more like an interactive discovery channel. I hate when people think they’re better than me because they’ve had an awesome holiday which they can then pretend has altered their whole personality. I don’t think you fall into that category, but I’ve met plenty of people who take that stance, and it really annoys me.
The impression I’ve got about your travelling is simply that you want to see as many awesome sights as you can; have a lot of fun and take away good memories. That is the more honest approach and I think if that’s what someone wants to do, good on ‘em! Who doesn’t want to have an exciting holiday?! Man, I’d jump at the chance! Obviously my options are more limited these days, but I’m not too disheartened by that – there’ll be a time when my child/children will be grown up and less financially dependent on me, and I’ll be able to do what I like, guilt-free; thinking only about myself again! Hurrah! For now, it’s not that I think that ‘because I’ve made my bed I’ve got to lie in it’…it’s just that I made a choice (kind of) and now have responsibilities that most others my age haven’t got; and I’ve just got to make the best of the situation for myself and for Sam. If I have to trade in a couple of months travelling around South America, so that I’m one year closer to buying a house to make my family home…well, so be it!
That’s not to say I’m not going to be going on any holidays – I love a change of scene as much as the next person, and I think Sam’d have fun seeing new things…and if I got to the stage where I was prepared to leave Sam for a week so I could go on a cheapo holiday without him…well I think it could actually be beneficial to him. It’s fucking hard being a mum – bloody relentless – and I know when I’ve had a day off I’ve come back a better Mummy for it. I wouldn’t do that kind of thing now – it would still seem too selfish – but my priority is to make a happy future for the both of us, and maybe it’s wrong to admit it, but I do see having a partner and my son having a dad as a very, very good thing. So if I was in a relationship that I thought could only work if we built on it as simply a couple first, then I would be prepared to make sacrifices on Sam’s behalf. Getting someone to even commit to going on a couple of dates is a big ask – very few people would see a tagalong child as a positive thing initially, and to be honest I would be suspicious of someone who didn’t see him as a negative. So if I thought I’d found someone it was worth getting to know a bit better, I would have no qualms about pulling in all favours to find babysitters for Sam for evening dates/weekends or whatever.
I’ve gone a bit off track here! Sorry I’ve got so deep – these obviously aren’t things you share with someone you’ve just met, but as you’ve turned me down already I’m finding it quite interesting to see what my own views are about things I’ve never had need to consider!
Back to the holiday thing – I think it helps that I’m easily amused and get excited over the smallest thing. When I went to my cousin’s wedding a month ago, the thing I got most excited about was spending a night in a Travelodge! If there is something slightly unusual going on in town I get mega excited – a dance school put on this ace performance outside the chippy yesterday; it was brilliant! I go insane at Christmas because there are just too many ‘little things’ to get excited about – making gingerbread, pulling crackers, opening Christmas cards, choosing a tree, putting out stockings (and these days…filling stockings)…I’m basically a small child day-to-day; with an adult outlook on current responsibilities and the future! But yeah, until I’ve seen more of Britain, I don’t think I’ll have too strong cravings to travel the world – I would’ve loved to have spent the whole weekend exploring Nottingham with Emma, but she wasn’t able to. I’m still discovering new places round here that are get-at-able by bus…which I know is very insular, but it’s a frame of mind which works for us right now. If I had someone to go with I would’ve loved to have taken Sam camping somewhere this year or to have stayed in grotty B&B’s exclaiming how shit they were but having a good time nonetheless.
So I think I may have covered the holiday thing; do you think so?? Lol, sorry for going on…I love writing and would quite happily not send this to you, and just count it as a learning experience for me, getting to know my own mind a bit better!
I had some of my family round this morning cos Sam wanted to bake a cake for them. My sister started off a conversation about how funny it is how different people spend money on different things. I always think this! I buy dirt cheap food and never spend anything on clothes or nice makeup or expensive holidays – basically living like a pauper (Nottingham weekend the exception) – but I’m actually in a position where I could afford to buy a (admittedly very cheap) house if I felt settled enough to do so. I’ve got friends who don’t have money to move out of their parents homes because they spend everything they earn on nights out and endless new clothes. Some spend it on holidays, some make their house and garden all nice, some have all the expensive gadgets…everyone’s different! I guess it’s important to find someone who has the same priorities as you when it comes to spending money – it definitely confuses me that you talk about not being able to support yourself and borrowing from the bank, at the same time as saying you’re going to go on these amazing holidays and buy expensive meals and stuff. Just people being different!
Umm right, I don’t think even I can make this much longer! I’m really really gutted you didn’t like me enough to take things further, but now I’ve written all of this down I suppose it’s a good thing, as we probably wouldn’t be a good fit. And in a way it’s kind of backed up why I seem to only give older men a chance, because they’re more inclined to be a bit more grounded.
Thanks for being the gentleman last night – I wouldn’t have taken this as well if we’d done more. And also, thanks for this: ‘I still want to keep you as a friend on Facebook’ – BEST BREAK UP LINE EVER!! Most depressing, kick-you-in-the-balls-while-you’re-down, thing to say…but hilarious because of it!