13 Lucky Reasons for Unlucky Weather
I’m back again! Remember me?!
I wrote this a while ago but the weather has been so changeable that I can’t seem to time it right when to post it. But here it is anyway…
I wish it were sunny all the time but have come to realise I should be grateful for a return to gloominess. These are the reasons why:
1. I LOVELOVELOVE ice-cream, particularly the Mr Whippy variety, and the warm weather has resulted in a few trips to the ice-cream van in town. I say ‘a few’, but I was proved otherwise… When the would-have-been-in-laws visited, I suggested an ice-cream on the way back from the park. On getting to the front of the queue, the ice-cream man took one look at me and said ‘Two 70p cones, no flakes, no sauce?’ I think I may have gone there a few more times than I am prepared to admit.
2. The occasional wonderful weather has meant we’ve spent every possible moment outside and it has resulted in a lot of digging at the bottom of the garden. Unfortunately our garden backs onto the canal and the bridge over it, and I have had numerous shouts about my builders bum. Damn my ill-fitting clothes!
3. Living on the banks of a canal sounds idyllic but I forgot about the draw that semi stagnant water has to mosquitoes – I must have delicious blood because mosquitoes LOVE me.
4. One of the reasons I love Summer is because my hair goes lighter. But the July sun apparently has super powers – somehow it managed to bleach right through my clothes and one of the hairs that is meant to signify fertility has been dyed white. Could also be the ageing effects of the sun, I suppose.
5. Sunshine means I decrease the amount of clothes I wear by about 95%. A lot of this is because I’m scared of sunbeds and I am too clumsy to fake tan. I have to take my chance of getting brown when I can! Unfortunately this always means a good few days of my leggies shining out like bright white beacons. Unfortunately my legs have kept their pasty winter hue. White skin shows up all flaws (including all those mozzy bites!) and unfortunately these flaws and cellulite are spotlighted by the sun. Time to lurk in those shadows!
6. I suppose in an ideal world this would be an advantage of the sun…but I actually count it more as a negative: Topless men. Why is it that the likelihood of men taking their tops off is directly proportional to their increasing age and weight? Though that said, I’ve enjoyed Sam’s continued fascination with workmen: ‘Ohh Sam, must we really stand and watch these semi-naked builders working these big manly machines again?!!
7. I am a terrible human being in the way people’s opinions count for so much for me. Particularly men’s opinions. I can’t help grinning when I get beeped by passing cars/vans. But it is not advisable to count on this as a source of happiness. For one, it is probably more of a comment on my somewhat slutty outfits, rather than a compliment on how I look in them. And secondly, it has really been spooking Sam, and he keeps asking why they’re beeping. I can’t exactly tell the truth: ‘It is because your Mummy looks like a slut’. Along the same line of thinking, as he is picking up on what people are saying so much, I am fully expecting him to ask what ‘MILF’ means. A definition I had to give to my mum not that long ago. This is the version I told her: ‘Mother I’d Like to make Friends with’. Not sure if she bought it.
8. The warm weather has brought out a lot more walkers and as such there are more witnesses to whatever odd habit Sam has picked up. His most recent one is pretending to fish in the canal. Bearing in mind his pronunciation is not top notch, I have been getting some strange looks from people who pass by behind him. Imagine it – small boy as close to the water as I’ll allow, standing very still with what he imagines to be a FISHING pose – legs slightly apart, slightly bent, hands grasped in front: ‘Look Mummy, I’m p*ssing! I’m p*ssing Mummy! Look, I’m p*ssing in the water!’
9. Suncream. I hate it. I pretty much drown Sam in it, and will even half-heartedly apply some to my own face…but I can’t stand having sticky hands afterwards. The unfortunate thing about Sam not needing nappies is the fact I no longer carry baby wipes. I resort to surreptitiously wiping my hands on a friend’s back in a congratulatory-pat-on-the-back way, or a let-me-console-and-comfort-you-with-this-cuddle way.
10. I look ridiculous in sunglasses. Glasses of any sort, in fact (which is unfortunate seeing as the prescription for my eyes are -5.75 and -7.75). But I LOVE wearing sunglasses on top of my head. There are three reasons for this: 1. The practicality of keeping hair off my face without resorting to an alice band. 2. It is excellent at disguising greasy roots. 3. I think I look cool. However, the other day I was walking into the sun, squinting so much I looked like I was sleep walking…and I unfortunately put my foot on a dog…realised my mistake and did one of those hoppity skippety things to regain my balance…but then tripped over the owner’s foot. Refusing to wear sunglasses despite looking into the glaring sun = not cool. It’s time I realise that.
11. I am terrible at dressing myself. For someone who did Art at school, I am not very good at matching colours…or contrasting them…or clashing them (I’m not even sure what the aim is). I never buy magazines or look at fashion pages online. For this reason, I love delving into my summer wardrobe: underwear, sundress, sandals, DONE. But as I have only bought two summer dresses in the past couple of years, I am forced to resort to a more historic wardrobe. No matter how many times I try it on, I never seem to learn that the dress that was verging on too tight for the 17-year-old, sporty, childless version of me, is NOT going to fit me, six exercise-free years later, with one baby under my belt (I meant that figuratively but you could be excused from thinking I do have a baby under my belt). Although on the plus side, hot weather usually leaves me with a decreased appetite, so the hotter it is, the more chance I have of one day fitting into that dainty little Jane Norman number.
12. I am so pleased to be given a chance to attempt to transform our new garden from the mess it currently is…but it has come with a drawback: Dirt everywhere. Brilliant white tiles in the kitchen really is quite a design fault. Each night our bath is black.
13. I love the feeling of having wonderfully smooth legs. But as I am single and very lazy, add cold weather to the mix and the result is rather yeti-like. Deforestation only occurs prior to one of our rare swimming trips. You’d think it’d be a good thing that the sun motivates me to shave my legs…but oh no! Unfortunately hot weather always puts me in the mood for…um…a bit of ‘dry land breaststroke’. The temptation to text an old flame is increased a hundredfold when you have silky smooth legs. And under the influence of my good friend Rio Ja, that temptation is doubled again!
Apologies for this post being old. I am hoping that by putting it online I will feel encouraged to get my blog going again – I really got a lot out of it when I was posting regularly.
Hope everyone in bloggyworld is well. Need to catch up with what’s been going on!