What heart has not false Hope misled?

Contact lenses have been cleaned and all salt eradicated: this girl will do no more crying tonight!

I had a few little Sam anecdotes saved up for this evening but feel it will be quite therapeutic to get a serious post out of the way first; I’m done with dragging things out and this is something I want to say sometime or other…so it may as well be now.

Cyber Boyfriend gave me a definite answer this morning. The lack of exclamation marks after that statement should tell you that his verdict wasn’t the one I have been longing for.

He is NOT moving back toEngland: it is Officially Over.

It has been Over for some time now but I haven’t been able to let go, as there always remained a slight possibility that things would work out…and my imagination really went to town with that possibility; transforming it into a probability. So this new finality has hit me hard.

The compliments I receive about this blog are based on one thing: my honesty. But I should admit to a slight deceit…the first three posts were written as ‘practices’ before I’d even set up this blog, and when it came down to it I didn’t fancy starting afresh. So ‘Meant for each other’ was actually written before the event – I am coming clean because it gives me more leeway to moan about how long I have been kept in the dark!

For those that have unwittingly stumbled across this page: Cyber Boyfriend is someone I met, not that many months ago, whom I almost instantly fell in love with. The circumstances surrounding this ‘love story’ are too absurd to fully justify – we only spent a week together before he left for foreign lands; and the rest of our relationship was carried out through texts, e-mails, and the wondrous Skype. I have to say, my friends have been amazingly understanding about the whole thing; if I saw someone mooning over such a brief acquaintance I would think them crazy. But in truth I got to know Cyber Boyfriend better than a lot of people I have known for years.

I only accept minimal responsibility for having fallen so hard so fast. I am a real dreamer, but Cyber Boyfriend took it to a completely new level. He was already joking about kids and marriage even before his plane landed; and despite remaining the more reserved one, I did get caught up in the fantasy world he created. He spoke to his boss about moving toEnglandthat very first day back. ‘Love’ was a word he dashed out far too quickly – I don’t know if he ever truly meant it, but he definitely didn’t consider the consequences of making me so secure of his feelings.

Everything happened so fast that revealing the timescale would make this narrative sound even more implausible than it already is. Things were good – VERY good – for a while. I wholeheartedly believed I had found the person I was going to marry, and it appeared the sentiment was mutual.

Then quite suddenly he seemed to lose interest. We chatted just as easily and continued to make each other laugh …but the ‘I love you’s were gone and there was no more talk of “when’ I come back’. Gradually the “if’ I come back’s faded too, and after what felt like a very long time of me feeling absolutely rubbish, it ended completely and we cut all contact.

That is the point we were up to when I wrote ‘Meant for each other’.

Since then I have been a real mess. I’ve tried so hard to contain my crying to private moments, but nonetheless poor little Sam has become far too accustomed to seeing his mummy upset. My friends have been fantastic. In the same way they rallied when I was unexpectedly pregnant and found myself in a world of accusation, guilt and anxiety; they have come together again and shown themselves to be a group of the most kind, genuine and considerate people you could ever hope to meet. My new mum friends have had to join in on the fun too – and have actually made it fun – Sam and I were treated to a home-cooked roast, a bunch of flowers and, get this: a poem! I have the poem tacked to my fridge and read it every time I sneak into the kitchen for comfort food. I have witnessed the thoughtful deeds of my friends with awe; knowing that I am not the kind of person who would be able to fully repay them if the situation was reversed; but grateful that I have somehow managed to claim them as friends.

Today was Game Over. There can be no more optimism; no more hope. But on the other hand, (said in a tone of merriment) there can be no more false optimism; no more false hope. I am devastated that things have not worked out, but I also feel an unbelievable amount of relief that this period of uncertainty is over. I have not slept properly in weeks; not given Sam due attention because I have been so caught up in my own fruitless imagination. I almost don’t feel sad that I have lost Cyber Boyfriend – I had lost him already without knowing it – instead I feel happy that I might finally be able to get my life back; my thoughts back.

Of course none of this is Cyber Boyfriend’s fault (he certainly did not ask to be obsessively Facebook stalked during our time of silence!), but now the rose-tinted glasses have been removed, I am able to see that perhaps he was not quite the man I made him out to be. Either he said all those things early on before engaging his brain; or he is just fickle with his feelings and quickly loses interest. I refuse to believe he purposefully set out to hurt me, but there are many things he did and said that could have been done with more tact. I wouldn’t even have known he had made up his mind not to come back; if he hadn’t come on Facebook Chat this morning to wish me an early Happy Birthday. He was still clearly going to let me carry on with the false hope – it was up to me to directly ask him…and it took a while to get round random comments such as ‘your new hair looks nice’, to get a proper response from him. Eventually I got a painfully abrupt answer, shortly followed by ‘is there any chance of us being friends?’ Perhaps he just wanted to stick to break-up tradition; or perhaps he really meant it – either way it showed no understanding of the pain he has put me through. The simple ‘im sorry’ did not exactly measure up to the magnitude (in my eyes) of this conclusion.

So here I am; heartbroken but strangely happy about the lifting of this huge weight off my heart and mind. Through the tears I am able to say that Cyber Boyfriend is an absolutely fantastic guy; and I honestly wish him every happiness. I hope he meets someone who sees him as I see him; loves him as I do. And I hope she is good enough for him to get the chance to experience what it feels like to be in love. I also hope, for her sake, that they tie the knot within a matter of weeks – before he changes his mind!

I am hopeful for myself too; in particular that the sheer pace in the forming of this relationship will be echoed back in the time it takes to get over him and move on. I already feel like I’m on the right path – I’ve pretty much been grieving for two months…it won’t be that long ‘til I match the length of time when our relationship was actually going well!

Oh dear I have run on past midnight: another apology needed for dishonestly posting on the wrong day! I will try my best not to mention Cyber Boyfriend again. From now on this blog will be back to its previous frivolity – it really has been a help these past few weeks to have a chance to be all chirpy. Soon I will be back to my usual self and you will reminisce to this golden time when my enthusiasm for random things has just about been kept within normal parameters!

Advertisements

12 Comments

  1. gingerbreadhead

    The comments are always my favourite bit of your blog. Not because your writing is bad… quite the opposite!!! You never fail to make me chortle aloud. It makes me so proud to read what amazing things people are saying about you!

    This post is different.

    I am so proud of you for writing this, I know how hard it must have been to get the news and regurgitate it in writing. I am also just so proud of the woman ( how weird to say woman…?) you’ve become over the last couple of years. The change in you has been immense and it really is a joy to watch you blossom! Sam is one lucky little man.

    I also just want to say; I would never want you to change your vivid imagination no matter how much emotional trouble it gets you into because it is what makes you YOU. And really, what imagination other than yours could come up with such gems as Magicality and BaZOOka? Love you forever and keep going with the funny anecdotes soon because they really do make my day! xxxxxx

    • PAHA gingerbreadhead??! Who on earth could THIS be?! I am much aggrieved you enjoy the comments more than my wonnnderful writing, but also excited to discover the secret of getting you to comment: write about you. Bloomin’ braggart! (That word doesn’t quite fit there but I only just learnt it and wanted to use it!) Actually while on word use, I must say I did chuckle at your use of ‘regurgitate’ – you so rightly made it sound like I felt all those emotions and then puked them up on my blog! An amazingly fitting way to describe it!

      Thank you for your pride and joy at my blossoming! Hard to take it seriously but I know you mean it – so thank you, your support has always meant the world to me. I heart my Forever Family 🙂

      Will be initiating Sam into his first Magicality season next Summer. Be prepared for many more gems – I think he is going to be my perfect sidekick in making up new games. Love you lots and lots xxxxxxxxxx

    • P.S. You know I will only ever be called ‘woman’ in jest.

  2. Oh hun. What can you do with the pieces of a broken heart? A lot actually. Like you said, now it is well and truly broken, you can pick it up and start mending it. A new exciting process and a new chapter. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing and this doesn’t mean you have to stop dreaming and believing. I really think someone lovely is out there waiting for you. You and Sam deserve someone willing to move the Earth to be with you both and perhaps that guy is out there somewhere too nursing his own broken heart just waiting for the right girl to come along. Can you tell I’m a dreamer too?

    Oh and your saying that you’ve been deceitful because you’ve been editing your work. I don’t think that makes you any less honest. You write from the heart and craft it. Doesn’t mean it’s not honest. I shoot from the hip because I rarely have editing time. Doesn’t mean that either of us are dishonest. It’s just a different way of doing things. Massive hugs x x x

    • Thank you for such kind words. Hell yeah me and Sam deserve better!! Nothing will stop me dreaming, though I do often stop believing. Hopefully my broken heart won’t be too difficult to mend and fit the pieces back together. Sam’s always been a jigsaw puzzle genius so I expect he’ll be a big help 🙂

  3. Big hugs to you hun I hope you can look forward to starting a new chapter in your life. So much more to look forward to, especially with love 🙂 I can empathise with you, i havent really been there but I knida know how you feel and it’s not nice, as you know. You were not dishonest with your previous post at all. I love reading your blog for your honesty. I hope we can get to know eachother better!
    Chin up girl Hannah xxx

    • Thank you. Yep, new chapter…got to think of it that way! I think 2012 might be the year for blogging about all the disasters that can happen when internet dating! Tricky times ahead still but hopefully Christmas will distract my mind from him a bit. xxx

  4. You need to get yourself a Celebrity Boyfriend. You don’t have to interact with them in any way, you never meet them or spend time with them, and they always look good. My Celebrity Boyfriend is Eddie Izzard, who I think writes his tweets for me, alone. It works really well. Upgrade from cyber to celeb, you’ll thank me later. ps hope you’re ok.

    • Thanks for the advice, I will scour the web for my next prey…tho I’ve never really been one for fancying celebrities. I like to stick to reality. You know – something realistic like expecting someone to move across the world for me!
      I’ve just checked Eddie Izzard’s Twitter – and I actually do think his tweets are directed just at you. Congratulations, you will be very happy together 🙂

  5. KT

    Hey Vicky 🙂 Yes – Tom showed me the blog. I’m trying to get into journalism, and he said he thought you’re writing was really impressive and your stories were really interesting so I should have a look. Every blog I have read of yours has either made me laugh out loud or really make me think. I couldn’t stop laughing about typing stalkees name into status box. Definitely the sort of thing I would do as an obsessive facebook stalker.

    It’s funny you should say about harming journalistic reputation (although only jokingly obviously), because I created another blog today (www.wordycause.wordpress.com) – which is precisely my attempt to stop having to write about such dull stuff and write more stuff that actually relates to people (like your blog!!).

    I don’t have half of the interesting stuff you have to say, but hopefully I will be able to write something people can relate to.

    Sam is soooooooo cute, you must be very proud.

    p.s. I don’t really get twitter either, super confusing….

    xxxx

  6. What??? You mean you’re a….WRITER????? Say it isn’t so!

    Love makes us do stupid things, and lust makes us do unimaginably stupid things. However, creative license does not qualify in any way as idiotic.

    I’m sorry that you had such heartbreak as a birthday gift. But as I often tell my kids, you can learn something from every situation, even if it’s nothing more than, “don’t ever do that again.”

    You live to fight another day 🙂

  7. Ha I am not a writer; just a person who writes (or attempts to).

    I can fully agree that love/lust makes us do unimaginably stupid things…not least failing to recognise the difference between the two. Another year, another injection of hope for a bit more sense.

    I most certainly won’t do the same thing again…but I will no doubt find fresh ways to humiliate myself!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: