What heart has not false Hope misled?
Contact lenses have been cleaned and all salt eradicated: this girl will do no more crying tonight!
I had a few little Sam anecdotes saved up for this evening but feel it will be quite therapeutic to get a serious post out of the way first; I’m done with dragging things out and this is something I want to say sometime or other…so it may as well be now.
Cyber Boyfriend gave me a definite answer this morning. The lack of exclamation marks after that statement should tell you that his verdict wasn’t the one I have been longing for.
He is NOT moving back toEngland: it is Officially Over.
It has been Over for some time now but I haven’t been able to let go, as there always remained a slight possibility that things would work out…and my imagination really went to town with that possibility; transforming it into a probability. So this new finality has hit me hard.
The compliments I receive about this blog are based on one thing: my honesty. But I should admit to a slight deceit…the first three posts were written as ‘practices’ before I’d even set up this blog, and when it came down to it I didn’t fancy starting afresh. So ‘Meant for each other’ was actually written before the event – I am coming clean because it gives me more leeway to moan about how long I have been kept in the dark!
For those that have unwittingly stumbled across this page: Cyber Boyfriend is someone I met, not that many months ago, whom I almost instantly fell in love with. The circumstances surrounding this ‘love story’ are too absurd to fully justify – we only spent a week together before he left for foreign lands; and the rest of our relationship was carried out through texts, e-mails, and the wondrous Skype. I have to say, my friends have been amazingly understanding about the whole thing; if I saw someone mooning over such a brief acquaintance I would think them crazy. But in truth I got to know Cyber Boyfriend better than a lot of people I have known for years.
I only accept minimal responsibility for having fallen so hard so fast. I am a real dreamer, but Cyber Boyfriend took it to a completely new level. He was already joking about kids and marriage even before his plane landed; and despite remaining the more reserved one, I did get caught up in the fantasy world he created. He spoke to his boss about moving toEnglandthat very first day back. ‘Love’ was a word he dashed out far too quickly – I don’t know if he ever truly meant it, but he definitely didn’t consider the consequences of making me so secure of his feelings.
Everything happened so fast that revealing the timescale would make this narrative sound even more implausible than it already is. Things were good – VERY good – for a while. I wholeheartedly believed I had found the person I was going to marry, and it appeared the sentiment was mutual.
Then quite suddenly he seemed to lose interest. We chatted just as easily and continued to make each other laugh …but the ‘I love you’s were gone and there was no more talk of “when’ I come back’. Gradually the “if’ I come back’s faded too, and after what felt like a very long time of me feeling absolutely rubbish, it ended completely and we cut all contact.
That is the point we were up to when I wrote ‘Meant for each other’.
Since then I have been a real mess. I’ve tried so hard to contain my crying to private moments, but nonetheless poor little Sam has become far too accustomed to seeing his mummy upset. My friends have been fantastic. In the same way they rallied when I was unexpectedly pregnant and found myself in a world of accusation, guilt and anxiety; they have come together again and shown themselves to be a group of the most kind, genuine and considerate people you could ever hope to meet. My new mum friends have had to join in on the fun too – and have actually made it fun – Sam and I were treated to a home-cooked roast, a bunch of flowers and, get this: a poem! I have the poem tacked to my fridge and read it every time I sneak into the kitchen for comfort food. I have witnessed the thoughtful deeds of my friends with awe; knowing that I am not the kind of person who would be able to fully repay them if the situation was reversed; but grateful that I have somehow managed to claim them as friends.
Today was Game Over. There can be no more optimism; no more hope. But on the other hand, (said in a tone of merriment) there can be no more false optimism; no more false hope. I am devastated that things have not worked out, but I also feel an unbelievable amount of relief that this period of uncertainty is over. I have not slept properly in weeks; not given Sam due attention because I have been so caught up in my own fruitless imagination. I almost don’t feel sad that I have lost Cyber Boyfriend – I had lost him already without knowing it – instead I feel happy that I might finally be able to get my life back; my thoughts back.
Of course none of this is Cyber Boyfriend’s fault (he certainly did not ask to be obsessively Facebook stalked during our time of silence!), but now the rose-tinted glasses have been removed, I am able to see that perhaps he was not quite the man I made him out to be. Either he said all those things early on before engaging his brain; or he is just fickle with his feelings and quickly loses interest. I refuse to believe he purposefully set out to hurt me, but there are many things he did and said that could have been done with more tact. I wouldn’t even have known he had made up his mind not to come back; if he hadn’t come on Facebook Chat this morning to wish me an early Happy Birthday. He was still clearly going to let me carry on with the false hope – it was up to me to directly ask him…and it took a while to get round random comments such as ‘your new hair looks nice’, to get a proper response from him. Eventually I got a painfully abrupt answer, shortly followed by ‘is there any chance of us being friends?’ Perhaps he just wanted to stick to break-up tradition; or perhaps he really meant it – either way it showed no understanding of the pain he has put me through. The simple ‘im sorry’ did not exactly measure up to the magnitude (in my eyes) of this conclusion.
So here I am; heartbroken but strangely happy about the lifting of this huge weight off my heart and mind. Through the tears I am able to say that Cyber Boyfriend is an absolutely fantastic guy; and I honestly wish him every happiness. I hope he meets someone who sees him as I see him; loves him as I do. And I hope she is good enough for him to get the chance to experience what it feels like to be in love. I also hope, for her sake, that they tie the knot within a matter of weeks – before he changes his mind!
I am hopeful for myself too; in particular that the sheer pace in the forming of this relationship will be echoed back in the time it takes to get over him and move on. I already feel like I’m on the right path – I’ve pretty much been grieving for two months…it won’t be that long ‘til I match the length of time when our relationship was actually going well!
Oh dear I have run on past midnight: another apology needed for dishonestly posting on the wrong day! I will try my best not to mention Cyber Boyfriend again. From now on this blog will be back to its previous frivolity – it really has been a help these past few weeks to have a chance to be all chirpy. Soon I will be back to my usual self and you will reminisce to this golden time when my enthusiasm for random things has just about been kept within normal parameters!