Stalk surreptitiously. Make sure you don’t accidentally ‘like’ something on your stalkee’s wall. And if your finger DOES slip; ensure you ‘unlike’ it straightaway. If not, you will experience an unpleasant jolt in your stomach when you finally notice the mistake – possibly many days later – knowing that he and all his friends will have seen it. Also, if you DO happen to make this blunder, try to avoid ‘liking’ a message from a girl asking him to the theatre. Looks a little weird.
Always check that you are typing his name into the search box – NOT in the ‘update status’ box. It is the ultimate exhibition of honesty to answer Facebook’s question of ‘What’s on your mind?’ with his name…but it should really be avoided if possible. Of course you can delete it instantly, but that doesn’t stop it appearing on EVERY SINGLE ONE of your friends’ news feeds.
Do not make the ill-founded assumption that he is stalking you back and secretly sending out personal messages to you via his statuses. When you read: ‘Ex Cyber Boyfriend hopes your face is ok’, it does NOT mean he has pro-stalked you through a long thread to a non-mutual friend, and cunningly discovered that you have a bruised face. Believing this will provide you with an insane amount of joy, but beware: mood will plummet when an unknown girl subsequently ‘likes’ his status; and you realise it is far more likely to be an apology for inflicting beard burn on said girl.
And lastly, do not, under any circumstances, blog about your regrettable stalker compulsion.