A lesson in Facebook stalking

  • Stalk surreptitiously. Make sure you don’t accidentally ‘like’ something on your stalkee’s wall. And if your finger DOES slip; ensure you ‘unlike’ it straightaway. If not, you will experience an unpleasant jolt in your stomach when you finally notice the mistake – possibly many days later – knowing that he and all his friends will have seen it. Also, if you DO happen to make this blunder, try to avoid ‘liking’ a message from a girl asking him to the theatre. Looks a little weird.
  • Always check that you are typing his name into the search box – NOT in the ‘update status’ box. It is the ultimate exhibition of honesty to answer Facebook’s question of ‘What’s on your mind?’ with his name…but it should really be avoided if possible. Of course you can delete it instantly, but that doesn’t stop it appearing on EVERY SINGLE ONE of your friends’ news feeds.
  • Do not make the ill-founded assumption that he is stalking you back and secretly sending out personal messages to you via his statuses. When you read: ‘Ex Cyber Boyfriend hopes your face is ok’, it does NOT mean he has pro-stalked you through a long thread to a non-mutual friend, and cunningly discovered that you have a bruised face. Believing this will provide you with an insane amount of joy, but beware: mood will plummet when an unknown girl subsequently ‘likes’ his status; and you realise it is far more likely to be an apology for inflicting beard burn on said girl.
  • And lastly, do not, under any circumstances, blog about your regrettable stalker compulsion.
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11 Comments

  1. LOVE! I must send to my best friend, who is the ultimate fb stalker.

    • I was so much better off in the year I didn’t have internet – now alll my time is wasted stalking!

  2. Anonymous

    love this – the best thing is that i was on facebook at the time of reading, and so had to have a little re-stalk just to check i hadn’t done any of those things. THANK GOD i had not 😀 – you always make me laugh with your blogs 😀 xxx

    • Mistakes like that can strike at any time. KEEP VIGILANT! You are my first anonymous commenter – hello!

  3. jec

    Hahaha I totally am all super-cautious, making sure to not accidentally hit that Like button… I try to be all super-stealthy about looking at it, too, like the people I’m stalking are going to magically pop up behind me and see that I’m looking at their profile. 😛

    You definitely made me giggle a bit!

    • I’m always a bit behind with technology so when they change it so you can do that I will remain clueless and my full stalking prowess will be revealed!

  4. LOL ! This is too funny, something my nieces would enjoy reading!

    • Funny…except I did all these things in the space of about 2 weeks involving the same person. So maybe creepy/scary/weird would be better words to describe it!

  5. Ha ha! Yes the search box and status boxes are dangerously close !

    • They should make the status box be a huge thought bubble or something – I can’t have been the only one to be caught out in this way!

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