The very first

This is my first ever post in my first ever blog. It has conjured up a whole range of emotions and I can’t quite work out which takes prevalence. Excitement or anxiety? Confidence or self doubt?

I am, in general, a person with a colourful spectrum of emotions, and unfortunately my mood can alter drastically in a matter of seconds. I could pretend this makes me fun and interesting to be with…but I fear that my only readership will be those who know the truth – and I can just imagine the collective ‘PAH!’ as they shake their heads wearily. (Hi guys!) To the rest of you…if there is anyone…don’t say I didn’t warn you.

My excitement is caused by the thrill of starting a new project; the anticipation of something in my life other than cooking, cleaning and traipsing after a little one. The brilliant thing about having Sam is that I have made him my whole life. But the worst thing is… I have made him my whole life. It sounds horrendous when I start throwing out words such as ‘unfulfilled’ and ‘unchallenged’ because I know that actually that is not the case. The moments of pure joy you experience when bringing up a child are shadowed by nothing else – I obviously can’t speak for your child (if you have one), but mine is WONDERFUL. If I had more time and energy, I would catalogue every scribble; jot down every new word as it is uttered; capture every smile, every tear. And the suggestion of not being challenged in the year of the terrible twos is quite frankly laughable.

The other cause of my excitement is my love of writing. Sure, I moaned and groaned at school and uni whenever essays were due in, but once I got down to writing, I LOVED it (a fact never admitted to another human being. Hey look – this blog is already opening up a new side to me)! I loved the simplicity of being able to communicate whatever came into my head; and the complexity of maintaining enough control to put the words into a sensible order and ensure they had relevance to the question.

Relevance to the question…now there was a concept I always slightly struggled with. Once I get thinking about something, I come up with so many ideas and arguments in my head that I forget what it was that I was charged with answering. I’m almost certain that every one of my past conversations have included the phrase ‘erm…what was it you asked me…?’

I set up this blog feeling assured that, for once, deviation from the question would not lose me marks. But apparently I was mistaken. The core of the advice from WordPress is ‘ANSWER THE QUESTION’. Well maybe not that exactly, but ensure to write about a specific topic; to target a specific audience. I am set to fail on both counts.

The anxiety and self doubt are linked: I hate doing anything that I’m not good at. I’d like to say I’m a perfectionist but I fear that, to be described as such, you have to strive for perfection even when you have no hope of reaching it. I strive for excellence; absolutely; but only in tasks where I feel I have an outside chance of succeeding. It’s a form of self-preservation. Luckily it doesn’t stop me from trying new things – learning new skills will never fail to delight me. But if that skill happens to be anything to do with singing or instruments, for example, the only music you will get to hear is the ‘THUMP THUMP’ of my feet as I head for the hills. (I wanted to say ‘‘patter’ of my feet’ there, but proven by a recent falling out with the bathroom scales I don’t think I can say that truthfully.)

I have always secretly…or not so secretly perhaps…thought myself OK at writing. However, it’s been a while since this theory has been put to the test and I am dreading uncovering the truth. I have chosen the worst time to investigate if I really do have a flair for it: my creative opportunities these days are limited to writing birthday cards to two year olds and sending 10 page nonsense texts to friends who kindly pretend to find them amusing. Safe to say my writing skills are horrendously rusty. I have, however, been participating in a correspondence with a man on the other side of the world, and I’m hoping, even if nothing else comes of it, the e-mails might at least get me back into former literary shape.

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5 Comments

  1. I admire your courage and honesty in your writing. You are so blessed to have little Sam in your life. I know that my kids are my life and keep me going when life dictates otherwise. Keep writing, it’s nice to read your thoughts here. Thanks for finding my blog, now I’ve found yours. I’ll be back!

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I am very lucky to have Sam in my life. I really hope I don’t end up using this blog just to vent my frustrations, because honestly I couldn’t imagine a more incredible child. Every day he does a million things to amaze me and I’m loving (almost!) every minute of being a mum! And there is absolutely no doubt he’s changed me for the better. I wouldn’t think too much of the old me if I met her tomorrow! Looking forward to more inspirational pics on your blog!

  2. No worries, Vicki, you are an amazing writer, and I don’t say that lightly. Your humor and love for Sam shine right through. Forget about answering the question; just be you.

    • Thank you. Your comment kept me smiling all day. I am really enjoying reading the back posts of your blog, if mine grows into one anyway where near as good as yours I will be one happy bunny! At least blog writing seems to be ticking the ‘enjoyment’ box. Nothing else is important compared to that. Having other people read it is certainly a confidence boost but I’ve realised I would still enjoy it if I was the only one to read it!

      • You are incredibly sweet, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the positive feedback. Your blog is fantastic, always makes me laugh (I can just imagine you pantless in the swings…thanks for including the picture!), and (shhhhhh…it’s a secret!) you use proper grammar and spelling.

        I agree that I would write even if no one else read anything I wrote. I’ve had my blog for two years, and other than a few friends from facebook and my mother-in-law, no one read it until two weeks ago. I think that’s the key to being a good writer. You know how they say, “Dance like no one is watching”? I think it applies here, as well. “Write like no one is reading.”

        {hugs!}

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